


You'll be okay, Castiel

by castiels_playdoll



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Canon, Hurt/Comfort, I hope you all love Matt as much as I do!, M/M, PTSD Castiel, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Strangers to Lovers, includes a very sad destiel scene tho, this is basically just a big 'fuck you' to spn writers from a bitter Cas!girl tbh, this is not a destiel story, this story is v bittersweet for all the destiel shipping cas!girls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-04
Updated: 2015-12-04
Packaged: 2018-05-04 22:51:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5351339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castiels_playdoll/pseuds/castiels_playdoll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel's mental health is getting worse and the PTSD is taking over. Everything about the Bunker brings up too many bad memories and when Castiel can't cope with them anymore he leaves. He travels alone and visits someone he has missed greatly. Finally he finds his way to a lovely city in upstate New York and decides to stay for a while. That's where he meets Matt, a man with a kind heart and an ability to help. If Castiel didn't know for sure he'd think that Matt was the angel here, not him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You'll be okay, Castiel

**Author's Note:**

> So, about this story. I got (once again) a little mad about how the show treats Castiel and I wanted to write something where someone treats Castiel the way he deserves to be treated, where someone cares about him and genuinely wants to help him without expecting anything back from him. So I created Matt. This fic is just me as the bitter Cas!girl that I am taking care of my angel.
> 
> If anyone wants a visual of Matt, [this is pretty close](http://photo.goodreads.com/photos/1342228162p8/535386.jpg) to what he looked like in my head

When Sam left the room leaving Dean and Castiel alone Cas had thought they were going to talk about it. Talk about how Dean had almost killed him and left him to die alone. He thought Dean might apologize for it.

He hadn't. They hadn't talked one word about it. Instead Dean had yelled some more about Cas not killing Metatron and then he had just left, saying that he had had enough of everything and needed a drink and left Castiel standing alone in the map room.

Cas's legs had been shaking with the effort of keep everything inside. He had pulled out a chair and sat down, pressing his hands a bit too hard against his face. He had taken several deep breaths trying to calm himself down but all the past events still came rushing in. He didn't know how long he had been there crying and shaking alone before he managed to get up. He had walked into one of the many bedrooms and closed the door behind himself.

That was a week ago. Now he was once again in the bunker alone while Dean and Sam were out hunting... Something. Cas didn't remember, he wasn't even sure if he knew since they didn't talk to each other much these days. And if he was being honest he didn't really even care.

No matter how big the bunker was it had started to feel crushingly small lately. Cas was scared of going outside, facing the real world after everything that had happened, but being inside of the bunker wasn't any better than that. Everywhere he looked he got reminded of moments he'd rather forget. That was the chair he had been sitting on when Dean had told him to go all those years ago. That's the table Dean had smashed him against. That's the spot he had been standing at when Dean took all his anger and frustration out on him.

So he left.

He didn't know where he was going exactly. Sam had given him some money for groceries and Cas had pushed the cash into his wallet with his credit card that Dean had given him. Since he didn't need to eat or drink the money would last him a long time.

He walked several miles to the closest bus station and looked at the schedule on the wall. Cas decided to jump into the bus going the furthest away from this town.

While he sat there at the almost empty bus station he thought that he probably should feel bad about leaving like this, without saying anything to Sam and Dean. But he didn't. He was just their friend, or at least had been at some point and had been just visiting them at their home. He was free to come and go whenever he wanted and he didn't need to inform the brothers about where he was going or if he'd ever come back. He didn't owe them anything, not after what Dean had done.

The bus ride took hours and when he got to one town he hopped into another bus. He watched the scenery change from forests to small towns that grew into bigger cities and back to forests. After over sixteen hours since leaving the bunker he hopped out of the bus in Sioux Falls. He hadn't been travelling to Claire intentionally but now that he was there he really wanted to visit her.

It was only then that he realized he had left his phone at the bunker. Sam had saved Jody's number on Cas's phone just in case but now he had no way to reach her. His best option would be walking to the police station. He asked directions from a woman working at the bus station and she sold him a map where she circled every police station in town. Castiel thanked her with a nod and a smile and made his way towards the closest station.

After three misses he found the right one. He asked for Sheriff Mills at the front desk and soon a dark haired woman walked up to him.

"So who's missing me now?" She asked with a playful smile.

"Jody Mills?" Castiel asked. She looked different than he had imagined based on Sam's description of her but still somehow exactly like he had imagined. She looked strong in both physical and mental way.

"That's me. And you are?"

"You might know me. I'm Castiel, Claire's-" Cas started but the excited look on Jody's face interrupted him.

"You are Castiel? It's so nice to finally meet you! Claire talks about you all the time. What are you doing here? Are those two idiots here with you?" Jody looked over Cas's shoulder, her eyes searching for the Winchesters.

"No, I came alone. I was hoping I could visit Claire." Castiel spoke calmly and Jody looked at him again.

"Of course! She misses you a lot, I'm sure she'd be glad to see you again. Hey I'm going to go get us a car, go wait outside on the front and I'll pick you up from there, okay?" Jody smiled widely.

"Right now? Aren't you working?" Castiel's brow furrowed.

"It's called patrolling, angel boy. See you in a minute!" And then she was gone. Castiel looked after her for a moment before walking out of the building to wait for her. Soon enough a Sheriff's car stopped in front of him and Jody motioned him to hop in.

"We'll be there in less than half an hour." Jody informed happily and Castiel nodded.

"So how is she doing these days?" Castiel asked and turned to look at Jody who glanced back at him.

"She is doing great. She was quite a mess when you guys sent her over to me but we've come a long way. I have another girl living with me too, her name is Alex. They are about the same age and they both have their own horror stories to carry so they have really been able to help each other. They really understand what the other one is going through and they are almost like sisters now. Claire has gone back to school to finish high school. She is a really smart girl, she is getting good grades and she is staying out of trouble, I guess she has gotten enough of that in her past. She is concentrating on school and she is very helpful and kind. I think being in one place that she can call a home has done wonders on her. I know we aren't a real family but we still kind of are." Jody told him and Castiel listened to every word she said.

"Family don't end with blood." Castiel nodded with a small smile and Jody turned to look at him.

"I think I've heard that before." She smiled.

For the rest of the ride Jody told him about everything they had done with the girls, all the obstacles they had hit on their road and how they had gotten through them. She was also very interested on how Sam was doing.

Soon they were there at Jody's house and they stepped out of the car. Jody checked the time on her phone.

"It's past three pm, she should be home by now." She said as she walked to the door and pulled the keys out of her pocket and unlocked the door. "Claire?" She yelled from the door.

"Yeah?" Castiel could hear Claire's voice coming from somewhere deeper in the house and it immediately made him feel warm inside and a small smile spread on his lips.

"You got a visitor!" Jody called back to her and closed the door behind them. Just a moment later Cas heard Claire's footsteps getting closer and when she came around the corner she stopped and her mouth fell open as she looked at him. As soon as her brain caught up with what was happening the look on her face turned into a big happy smile and she launched forward and threw herself into Cas's arms and hugged him tight. Cas wrapped his arms around her and pressed his lips against her hair.

"Cas! Oh my god what are you doing here?" She screamed against his shoulder but didn't let go just yet.

"I wanted to see you." Cas answered and Claire pulled away.

"I've missed you a lot." Claire admitted almost shyly but Castiel just smiled at her.

"I've missed you too. How have you been?"

"I'm great. For the first time in years I'm actually doing great." She smiled brightly at him.

"Castiel, do you want coffee or something?" Jody asked from where she was watching them with a warm smile on her lips.

"Yes, I do like coffee, thank you." Castiel smiled.

"Come inside, come check my room!" Claire took his wrist and pulled him further into the house.

"So how do you like living with Jody and Alex?" Castiel asked after Claire had given him a quick tour around the house. They were sitting at the kitchen table, Cas drinking his coffee and Claire drinking tea that Jody had made her before leaving back to work. She had asked Cas to stay for a while.

"They are amazing. Jody is... She is a lot like how mom was before everything went to shit. A lot tougher though. She is pretty much the perfect mother and I'm really glad that you guys decided to send me here. I feel safe here, Cas. I haven't felt safe in a long time." She looked down to her mug and Cas felt a sting in his chest. He knew Claire had forgiven him for everything he had done to her but he hadn't. Cas swallowed hard.

"And the other girl, Alex?" Cas asked. There was no point crawling at Claire's feet and remind her again of everything that sucked about her life. Claire's face brightened at the mention of Alex and she looked up to him.

"She is so funny! And she works at this burger place in town and she brings me free fries a few times a week." Claire told him and Castiel chuckled.

"That definitely sounds nice. Is she going to be here soon?"

"Nah, she has an evening shift today so she'll probably get home around nine." Claire shook her head.

"Well I'm looking forward to meeting her. Jody said you two are almost like sisters now." Castiel smiled.

"Yeah, I guess so. She is a great friend to me, we come along so well. She had been living with Jody a long time before I got here and she helped me to feel welcomed, kinda taught me the house rules. They are both so understanding since we all have our sad stories to tell so they get it. At first coming here was hard, suddenly living with people I had never even met before but they made it easy and soon I realized that I finally had a place to call home so I definitely wasn't going to fight that." Claire nodded to herself.

Castiel reached his hand over the table and placed it on top of hers. When Claire looked back up to him he spoke, "I'm glad to hear you are doing well. Your safety and wellbeing is very important to me, even more than you probably know. I would have wanted to keep you by my side but that would have been a selfish and a stupid decision to make, and when Dean assured me that you'd be safe here I saw it as the best option we had. I'm glad he was right." Castiel squeezed her hand before letting it go.

"I know Cas, I know. I'm thankful to be here, I really am." Claire smiled. "Where are Dean and Sam by the way?"

Castiel straightened up at her question and took a long sip of his coffee. "I don't-- On a hunt somewhere. I ah, I left the bunker yesterday and they had already been gone for two days." Castiel kept his eyes down.

"You left Dean?" Claire asked surprised.

"Yes?" Castiel tilted his head as he looked up to her.

"Oh... Didn't see that coming." Claire raised her eyebrows a little. "Why did you do that?"

Castiel swallowed hard, looking around him. "I'd rather not talk about it." His voice was quiet and he hated himself a little for it. Claire looked at him for a long time without saying a word.

"You want me to kick his ass? I could do that." She finally said and Castiel looked up. She had a little grin on her face and Castiel realized she was joking, trying to lighten the mood. He shook his head and chuckled.

"I already did that." He admitted. Not that he was proud of it.

"I'm sure he had it coming." Claire pointed out. "I had it coming." Castiel fidgeted with his mug but didn't say anything.

Jody came back home around six in the evening and Alex introduced herself to Cas around nine when she got home from work too. They spent the evening talking about everything that normal people would talk about, they joked around a lot and it felt so easy. Seeing the three women together moving in their own space so easily made Castiel understand how living with Jody and Alex had had such a huge impact on Claire in so remotely short amount of time. The atmosphere in the house was light and happy and Cas too felt oddly safe inside those walls. The little family was warm and loving and knowing what Claire's life looked like now filled Castiel with happiness.

Castiel stayed with them for a whole week. During that time he got two panic attacks, one while he was at the house alone and one while the girls were there. Claire helped him through it mostly by just being there and talking to him about everything that was happening in that house. Castiel cleaned the whole house while he was alone and bought so much groceries with his credit card that everything didn't even fit into the pantries.

No matter how much he loved being there he still felt the need to move on. He now knew that Claire was doing better than she had in almost a decade and she was loved and looked after so Castiel felt peace about leaving her. With several hugs, a few tears from Claire and a million promises to come back soon he left.

Castiel traveled alone for couple of weeks. He went through Iowa, Illinois, Indiana and Ohio until he arrived at a small city of Rochester in upstate New York. It looked nice to him for some reason, calming in some way so he decided to stay for a while. He walked around the city until he came to St. Joseph’s Park. He sat down on a bench close to the old church and looked up to it. Castiel remembered when the church was build and how it became known as the Oasis of Grace and how most of it was destroyed in a fire not that long ago. From the front it looked like an actual church but from the back it was open, only the structures of it left.

After spending hours in the park Castiel walked around the town. He didn't know where he was going or what he was doing. Now that he was an angel again he didn't need food or sleep but he didn't want to just walk aimlessly around the city for days. A strong feeling of not belonging hit him like a train out of nowhere. It had always been a dull pressure inside of him but suddenly it got a million times stronger. He wasn't welcome in heaven anymore, he couldn't go back to the Bunker and to Sam and Dean even though the old building had been the only place to even somehow resemble a home to him since he had been cast out from heaven. He didn't belong anywhere on this planet or outside it.

Leaning against a wall on a small alley Castiel shook alone for a long time, everything crashing on him like a brick wall. It was dark when he stepped back to the street. Even if he didn't need to sleep he'd appreciate a warm shower and a soft bed right now. It didn't take him long until he found a decent looking motel and paid for a room for one night.

Showering wasn't so much about getting clean but just about clearing his head. He had grown to like showering while he had been human and the water beating against the back of his neck and his shoulders still felt good. He wrapped himself in a soft towel before climbing into the bed and turning on the TV. Midnight TV made him miss Netflix but he thought that Dean would have appreciated the copious amount of porn so many channels offered during nighttime.

Castiel spent the next morning walking around the city and when he passed an electronics store he stopped on his tracks. Maybe he should buy a phone and contact Dean, let him know where he was and that he was okay. Would Dean care? By now they brothers must have gotten back to the bunker and noticed he was gone. He wondered if Dean was mad at him for not doing as much as letting him know where he was. It occurred to him that they might be worried about him and maybe even looking for him. Cas didn't want them to worry about him and he had almost stepped into the store when he realized that he didn't remember either Dean or Sam's phone numbers and he couldn't really find them from the white pages either. And what if he did manage to contact Dean, then what? He'd have to listen to him yelling at him, blaming him for everything and cursing at him.

With that thought in his mind Cas stepped back from the store door and kept walking, not looking back.

He found a small cozy looking coffee shop and the smell of fresh coffee lured him in. He ordered a cup of their special brew and sat down close to the window. The place was pretty packed and Cas was lucky to find one empty table.

He looked out of the window at the people passing by. Some were running with slight worry on their faces and Castiel was sure they were late for something and he hoped they wouldn't get into too much trouble when they'd finally reach their destination. Some were obviously jogging and most people just walked calmly past the window, some were carrying shopping bags, some had nothing.

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"

Castiel turned to look at the voice and was met by a friendly face smiling down at him.

"Uh, no." Castiel answered. The man grinned and put his hand on the back of the chair.

"Can I sit with you then?" He asked and Castiel nodded. The man sat down and placed his sandwich and a cup of coffee on the table. "Hello, I'm Matt." The man offered his hand and Castiel shook it.

"Castiel, nice to meet you." He smiled to the man.

"Are you on your lunch break?" Matt asked, his dark brown eyes kind and curious.

"Oh no, I'm not from here. I'm just... Passing by I guess." Castiel answered.

"So where are you from then?" Matt asked before taking a sip of his own coffee, keeping his eyes on Castiel. Cas looked down quickly before returning his gaze on the other man.

"A little from everywhere, I guess." He chuckled.

"So what brought you to Rochester?" Matt asked, starting to unwrap his sandwich.

"Buses, mostly. Trains for several hundred miles." Castiel answered and Matt burst out laughing. A smile spread on Castiel's lips. He was used of people rolling their eyes at his jokes so someone actually laughing at his humor made him feel good in a weird way.

"Of course. Playing the mysterious card, huh? I get it. Do you mind if I eat?" Matt pointed at his lunch and Cas shook his head.

"Not at all. And to answer your previous question, I really don't know. I'm kind of like... On a road trip without my own car and I go where ever I want to. I got to this town yesterday and it seemed nice so I decided to stay for a while." Castiel spoke as Matt munched on his sandwich. It seemed to have bacon in it. Castiel missed bacon a little.

"So how long is 'a while' then?" Matt asked between bites.

"I don't know yet. Until I feel like I have to go again. Might be few days or weeks, maybe even longer. Who knows." Cas shrugged and took another sip of his coffee. It was getting cold already, he'd better drink it quickly.

"That's kind of cool, just being able to go where ever you want to. Do you have any places you'd want to visit?" Matt's tone was curious and kind. Castiel liked it.

"No, not really. I don't know. Maybe." Cas could go back to some of the places he had seen being created. That might be nice.

"Is there a reason why you are traveling alone?" Matt sure did ask a lot of questions but Cas didn't mind, it was nice to talk to someone who seemed to be interested on what he had to say. Cas thought about how to answer before he opened his mouth.

"A lot has happened lately and I need some time to think, take a step back and to look at everything from a different angle. It's all just so... Overwhelming." Cas looked at his own hands. Matt chewed slowly and eyed Castiel for a moment before he said anything.

"I don't know what has happened to you and I understand that everyone is different but I don't think you should be completely alone in a strange city right now. My lunch break is almost over and I need to get back to work but if you'd like to we could maybe see each other later tonight." Matt offered with a sincere look on his face. If Cas was being completely honest being alone for so long had gotten a little boring and he wouldn't mind talking to someone.

"Yes, that would be nice, thank you." Castiel smiled to him and a bright smile spread on Matt's face too.

"How about you give me your number and I'll call you when I get off from work?" Matt asked and pulled his phone out of his pocket.

"I don't have a phone." Castiel said and the smile on Matt's face was gone in a blink and he looked down.

"Oh... Right. Okay then." Matt stood up and Castiel was confused.

"But you can give me your number and I can call you from my motel room." Castiel suggested and Matt turned to look at him. No matter how long he had been watching humanity he couldn't quite name the look on Matt's face.

"Yeah, okay." Matt mumbled and pulled a pen from the inside pocket of his jacket and wrote his name and number down on a clean napkin and handed it to Cas.

"Thank you." Castiel smiled as he folded the napkin and pushed it into his pocket.

"Yeah, you are welcome. Bye then." Matt said and turned to leave.

"See you later Matt." Castiel smiled after him.

Castiel spent few hours going around the town. He did eventually buy a phone and a prepaid mobile plan. Even if he wouldn't call Dean or Sam he could still call Claire and Jody. And now Matt. It didn't take him long to figure out how to use his phone. It was an old model, a used phone and nothing like the one he had forgotten to take with him when he left the bunker but he was able to make phone calls with it so it was enough. He searched Jody's work number online at a local library computer and sent her a text asking her to give him Claire's phone number and her own personal phone number so he could keep in touch with them. Just few minutes later his phone beeped and Cas saved the numbers into his contacts, smiling at the message where Jody told him how much they all miss him.

Cas left the library at seven when it was closing and dug Matt's phone number from his pocket and dialed it.

"Matt." A slightly tired voice answered.

"Hello Matt, it's Castiel. We met earlier today." Castiel said.

"Oh, you actually called. I wasn't expecting that." Matt sounded truly surprised and Cas felt even more confused than he had earlier that day.

"Why?"

"Dude, 'I don't have a phone'? That's like the lamest, most obvious way to tell someone you are not interested." Matt chuckled and Cas felt slightly embarrassed.

"I didn't mean it like that. I really didn't have a phone, I just bought one today after we had met." Castiel explained.

"You serious?" Matt asked.

"Yes."

"Who doesn't have a phone?" Matt asked dumbfounded.

"Someone who forgets their phone at--" Castiel thought about what word to use for a moment. What were he and Dean? Friends? Partners in crime? Partners as in partners? No, definitely not that one. Castiel wasn't sure but he went with the easiest option, "at friend's place several states over." Castiel finished with a forced chuckle.

"And you didn't get a new one until today?" Matt still sounded skeptical. Considering how important mobile phones were to people these days Castiel wasn't really surprised by it.

"I didn't really have a reason to do so before." Castiel said. Matt was quiet for few seconds on the other end of the line.

"So do you want to meet somewhere?" Matt asked.

"Yes, that is why I called." Castiel smiled to the phone.

"Do you want to have dinner or something?" Cas didn't really need to eat and most foods tasted like molecules to him but he knew that dinner was a common way of people spending time together.

"Dinner sounds nice. I enjoy burgers a lot." Castiel said and Matt chuckled.

"Well I had something a little fancier in mind but if burgers is what you want then we'll go for burgers. Can I pick you up somewhere?"

"I'm actually very close to a Wendy's restaurant, we could meet there?" Castiel suggested and they agreed on that.

Fifteen minutes later Matt parked his car on the small parking lot next to the restaurant. He drove a few years old Hybrid. The car was quiet compared to Cas's Continental and Dean's Impala. Cas liked it.

"Hey there." Matt smiled as he walked up to Cas.

"Hello." Castiel smiled back.

"So, you wanna go inside." Matt gestured towards the entrance and Castiel nodded. Matt held the door open for him as he stepped inside. The place was small but cozy and smelled like every burger place smells like. They both ordered burgers and milkshakes and Matt took fries on the side but Cas went without. He wasn't a huge fan of fries but he really loved a good burger.

"You didn't really buy a phone just today, did you?" Matt asked as he dipped his fry into ketchup. Castiel looked up from his burger and swallowed before answering.

"Yes, I did. It's old and used but I did buy it today." Castiel insisted.

"So you really didn't have a phone when I first asked for your number?" Matt asked, still looking skeptical. Cas put down his food and dug into his pocket. He handed the receipt to the man sitting opposite from him and Matt took it with a confused look. After reading the slip of paper his eyes widened.

"You really did buy a phone today!" Matt looked up to him and handed the receipt back.

"I did." Castiel nodded and pushed the paper back into his pocket before picking up his burger.

"I thought you were just trying to get rid of me in a quite rude way." Matt shook his head and chuckled.

"Why would I do that? You are nice to me and you get my humor, which, not many people do actually." Castiel pointed out.

"I don't know, I was pretty surprised when you said you didn't have a phone because, ah, to me our little conversation back at the coffee place had been nice and I don't mean to sound overly confident but I was surprised when I thought you were turning me down." Matt shifted a little on his seat.

"Well now you know I really wasn't. I was just a phone-less weirdo." Castiel smiled.

"You are not a weirdo." Matt said and Cas blinked. Oh. He wasn't? Matt looked up to him again. "What?"

"Uh... Nothing. Just... You don't think I'm weird?" Cas asked. Matt looked confused.

"No. Why, should I?" Before Castiel could answer Matt started talking again. "Living some time without a cell phone doesn't make you weird. I'm so addicted with my phone that I'm actually hoping to be able to do what you did. Honestly I think people spend way too much with their noses glued to their phones that everyone should take a step back from all their mobile devices every now and then. There is nothing weird about it." Matt spoke and Castiel felt a little easier to breath. 

"Thank you Matt." Castiel smiled and Matt blinked and looked like he wanted to ask why he was thanking him but didn't and Cas was even more thankful for that. "So, where do you work?" Castiel asked and took another bite of his burger.

"I'm a psychologist and I'm specified on children and young people who have gone through things that have hurt them mentally, physically or both. I work with a lot of LGBTQ kids who have been treated badly by their families." Matt explained.

"You are doing important work." Castiel nodded seriously.

"Thank you. I'm hoping that I'm making some kind of difference in this world, at least helping the individual people to have a better future." Matt looked down and to Castiel it was obvious that his work was a very serious thing for him.

"I'm sure you are. I've seen closely what a loving and understanding environment can do to a young person who has gone through more than many adults ever will and it is truly amazing. I'm sure you are a huge help to all the kids you work with and they will remember it for the rest of their lives." Castiel smiled at him and Matt returned his smile.

"Thank you Castiel." Matt nodded.

They finished their burgers pretty quickly and Cas was happy to notice that his burger still tasted mostly like a burger and not just like molecules. After eating they sat there for a little longer drinking their milkshakes and talking.

Castiel really liked talking to Matt. He was smart and kind and even though Castiel couldn't tell him the tiny detail of 'oh by the way I'm an angel. No I mean an actual angel from heaven', talking to Matt was still easy. Matt was funny in the same way Castiel was, he was confident about himself but not that much that he'd be a dick. He was really down to earth and he wasn't hard on the eyes either. Castiel really enjoyed spending time with him.

When they had finished their whole meal, that Matt had paid for, they walked outside to Matt's car.

"Would you like to continue this evening or do you want me to drop you off at your motel?" Matt asked.

"I don't actually have a motel room right now..." Castiel said more to himself than to Matt as he realized it.

"Oh. Should we go find you one then?" Matt asked with a smile and Castiel nodded.

"That sounds like a good idea."

They both hopped into Matt's car. It smelled fresh and clean and it looked very modern from the inside. Cas was tempted to press all the buttons just to see what they all did but he kept his hands to himself. They drove around the city and they passed a couple of fancier hotels but Cas didn't want to stay in one of those. They passed some very sketchy looking motels too and Matt quickly drove them away from that area.

Finally they found a nice looking motel that wasn't really expensive. Matt got out of the car too and they stood on Castiel's side of the car.

"Matt?" Castiel asked quietly.

"Yes?"

"This was a date, right?" Castiel blushed a little and looked down. Matt let out a small affectionate chuckle.

"Yes Castiel, this was a date. A very nice date if I may add." Matt smiled sweetly.

"I agree, this was nice." Castiel smiled back at him. Matt took a small step closer to him.

"Can I kiss you, Castiel?" He whispered, looking deep into Castiel's eyes.

"I think I'd like that." Castiel answered with a small smile on his lips. Matt took another step closer and pressed his hand on the side of Cas's neck and leaned forward.

The kiss was short and gentle, just a press of lips together but Castiel liked it. He liked how Matt made him feel warm and soft inside and he really liked how Matt was with him.

"I hope we are going to see each other again soon." Matt whispered, his face still close to Castiel's and it was only then that Cas realized he had closed his eyes during the kiss and quickly blinked them open only to find Matt smiling at him. Matt was an inch or two shorter than Castiel, he hadn't noticed it before but from this close it was obvious. Cas smiled at him.

"I hope so too. Maybe we could see a movie or something tomorrow? I like movies. Not at much as I like TV shows but I still do enjoy movies a lot." Castiel said and Matt giggled.

"You are adorable. Yes, tomorrow sounds great. Now that I have your number too I can call you when I get off from work which should be around five in the afternoon." Matt said, his thumb still moving gently against the side of Cas's neck.

"I'll wait for your call. Could I... Could I get another kiss before you go?" Castiel asked, not sure about human dating practices or if it was okay to ask but he really wanted another kiss. He had really liked the first one.

Matt answered by leaning in and kissing him again. Cas wrapped his other arm around Matt's middle and put his other hand on Matt's arm. Their second kiss was longer than the first one but still pretty innocent.

"You should get some sleep." Matt whispered against Cas's lips when he pulled away.

"Yeah." Cas said even when he didn't need sleep, but he wasn't going to mention that to Matt now.

Matt left soon after that and Castiel looked after him with a smile on his lips. He really liked Matt.

The next day they went to the movies and Cas insisted that he would pay since Matt paid the night before and after a moment of protesting Matt let him. Cas wanted to joke about the movie being free because of his fake credit card but knew better not to.

The movie they had chosen to see was some action film with lots of fast cars and half naked women but Cas wasn't paying too much attention to it. He was way more interested on watching how the lights and colors danced on Matt's face. In the darkness of the movie theatre Matt's thin lips looked darker in color and his nose looked a little pointy seen from the side. Castiel found him very attractive.

Matt leaned closer to Castiel but kept his eyes on the screen. "The screen is that way," he whispered and only then glanced at Castiel with a grin on his face.

"I'm sorry." Castiel said and quickly turned to sit straight on his seat and looked at the big screen. He had momentarily forgotten that humans didn't like being stared at, Dean had made that very clear to him over the years.

"I don't mind." Matt whispered and pressed a quick kiss on Cas's cheek before straightening up on his own seat. Castiel blushed and glanced at him and Matt was looking at him with a smile on his lips. Castiel took his hand on the armrest between them and Matt squeezed his hand gently.

Cas didn't really get the movie but Matt seemed to enjoy it and Cas enjoyed seeing Matt happy so that was enough for him.

"You want to go for some drinks?" Matt asked as they walked out of the theatre.

"I'd like that." Castiel smiled.

"There is a nice place just few blocks from here, we could walk there."

"Matt, can I take your hand again?" Cas asked as an answer and Matt turned to look at him. A smile quickly formed to his lips and he held out his hand for Cas to take.

"Of course." Cas took his hand with a smile and Matt leaned in to press another kiss on his cheek. Cas turned his head and tucked Matt's hand a little and Matt kissed him on the lips. They both smiled shyly when they pulled away.

They walked hand in hand to the cocktail bar and Matt talked about the movie and Cas had to admit to him that he hadn't been paying that much attention to it. Instead of being annoyed about it like Cas expected him to be Matt blushed and quickly kissed Castiel before calling him cute. Cas was slightly confused but he liked this outcome a lot more than the one he had been expecting so he decided to just go with it.

Matt ordered them both drinks and carried them to the table that Cas was already sitting at. Cas looked at his drink as it was placed in front of him.

"Why does our drinks have decorations on them?" Cas looked up at Matt who was just about to sit down next to him.

"What?"

"There are decorations in our drinks." Cas pointed a finger at his drink.

"Have you never seen a cocktail before?" Matt grinned.

"Uh... I guess I haven't. I usually only drink beer or whiskey. They don't have decorations in them." Castiel said, still looking at his drink.

"Would you have wanted whiskey? I can go order it for you." Matt was about to get up when Cas stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"No, this is fine. I was just a little confused about the... decorations." Castiel shrugged and Matt relaxed a little.

"You know you can take them out of the glass if you want to." Matt grinned. "Taste it."

Cas lifted the glass to his lips and took a small sip. The drink wasn't strong, not when he was used to whiskey, but it was a lot sweeter. Castiel liked it and he told it to Matt who smiled to him.

"Do I need to keep an eye on you so you won't get too drunk?" Matt grinned and Cas shook his head.

"Oh no, I once drank a liquor store. A couple of drinks won't do anything." Castiel smiled widely and Matt blinked at him.

"I don't understand that joke." He finally admitted.

"It wasn't a joke." Castiel deadpanned.

"You drank a liquor store?" Matt asked.

"Yes."

"O-kay. Well I guess I don't need to worry then." Matt chuckled. He probably still thought it was a joke. Cas decided to keep it that way.

"When we first met you said you were a little from everywhere. Where does your family live?" Matt asked suddenly and Cas startled a little.

"My... My family?"

"Yes."

Cas didn't know what to say. Did he even have a family? The angels, they had banned him from heaven. Practically they were still his brothers and sisters but it didn't feel like it anymore. Plus several angels had laughed at his face when he had called them family so no, they probably weren't his family, not anymore. And all the angels who still had seen him as their brother were all dead.

Dean had once said that Castiel was like a brother to him and there had been all that talk about family over the years but Cas wasn't sure if that was the case anymore. Too much had happened, too much had been broken to call them family or brothers or anything else anymore. Maybe they were still friends on a good day, Cas didn't really know.

Then there was Claire. Castiel felt that family-like bond with her but he was aware that they weren't really related in any way, Cas just happened to be in Jimmy's, now his, body. That didn't make them family.

Castiel didn't know what to say. He really liked Matt and felt like he should tell him the truth about who he was. He understood that it most likely would be too much and it would end whatever this thing between them was but he deserved to know the truth before they went any further than this.

"Castiel?" Matt asked, sounding a little worried now. "We don't need to talk about family if you don't feel comfortable about it, it's okay." Matt pressed a hand on Cas's shoulder and Cas looked up to him.

"I-- I don't think I have a family anymore. I... There is something I need to tell you." Castiel said and swallowed. Matt looked slightly worried.

"Okay."

"Not here, somewhere private." Castiel said and Matt looked around them as to see if someone was watching them.

"Do you want to go right now?" Matt whispered, leaning closer to him.

"Could we finish these first? You paid for our drinks, I don't want your money to go to waste." Castiel tried to smile in a calming way and Matt nodded.

"Okay. That's sounds good."

They talked a little while finishing their drinks but Cas was getting really nervous about dropping the angel bomb on Matt and Matt could feel the uneasiness flowing from Castiel and it made him feel a little awkward too, it was obvious to Castiel.

Finally they were back in Matt's car.

"So, you want to tell me the thing now?" Matt asked, turning on his seat to face Castiel.

"Yes, I don't feel good keeping this from you because I really like you and I don't want to mislead you." Castiel started and Matt interrupted him before he managed to continue.

"You are scaring me a little. Do I need to be scared, Castiel?" Matt looked at him straight in the eyes.

"No, no! I'm not going to hurt you and there is no reason for you to be scared of me. This is going to sound crazy but... I'm an angel." Castiel blurted it out and lifted his gaze to look at Matt.

Matt's jaw dropped and then he got this confused, unbelieving look on his face and he chuckled.

"What?"

"I'm an angel. An actual angel from heaven." Castiel repeated calmly.

"Angels aren't real." Matt shook his head. He looked scared again and Cas guessed it was because he thought Castiel was crazy.

"We are. There are a couple of ways I can prove that to you. Does anything in your body hurt right now?" Castiel asked and Matt moved slightly closer to the door on his side, his eyes wide.

"Are you going to make something hurt?" Matt asked, the look on his face getting slightly panicked.

"No, like I told you I'm not going to hurt you, quite the opposite. Angels are able to heal humans. Does any part of your body hurt?" Castiel asked again. Matt gaped at him for several seconds before he nodded.

"Uh... My back. I was in a biking accident couple of years ago and hurt my back and it has been hurting more or less ever since. The doctors say they can't do anything about it." Matt told him.

Cas reached his hand towards Matt's forehead but Matt quickly moved further away from him. Cas pulled his hand back.

"I'm not going to hurt you. Give me your hand so I can prove you I'm an actual angel and not crazy. I'm not a threat to you Matt, angels were made to protect humans, not hurt them." Castiel held his hand palm up between them and after hesitating for few moments Matt carefully placed his hand on top of Castiel's.

Cas let the tiny specks of his grace travel through Matt's arm all the way to his back. He found the hurting spot quickly and fixed the tiny fraction on the bones and took care of the stiff muscles around it. Matt's eyes widened in shock before Castiel was even done.

"Holy fuck! How did you do that?" Matt touched his own hand on his lower back when Castiel let go of him.

"Do you believe me now?" Castiel asked.

"Fuck, I don't know. I don't know...." Matt kept touching his own back and Castiel squinted at him.

"I haven't heard you swearing before." He pointed out.

"Yeah, sorry. I usually don't but I guess finding out the guy you like is an angel is worth a few profanities." Matt said.

"So you do believe me?" Castiel asked again.

"I mean... I can't come up with any other logical explanation on how you just healed my un-healable back problems. And I felt like this cool force going through my body, what was that?" Matt's eyes widened again.

"That would be my grace." Castiel explained.

"But... If you are an angel why aren't you in heaven?"

"I-- I was sent to earth many years ago for a mission. After that I... I made some mistakes. I made a lot of mistakes. And I was fooled by another angel and well, to put it short I'm not welcome in heaven anymore." Castiel sighed and turned to look down on his lap.

"So when I asked about your family..." Matt started, waiting for Castiel to fill in.

"I have thousands of siblings in heaven but I don't think they see me as their brother anymore. And here on earth I've met a few people whom I've considered to be like family to me but I don't know if that is true anymore either." Castiel shook his head as a cold pressure squeezed his chest from the inside.

"Did you make mistakes with them too?" Matt asked quietly.

"I made mistakes, they made mistakes. Some mistakes were bigger than others, some mistakes are unforgivable. Especially if the other person doesn't even ask for forgiveness. But unlike with heaven, I left them." Cas looked up to Matt.

"Did someone break your heart?" Matt's voice was almost a whisper and he sounded genuinely sorry. Castiel chuckled.

"I guess he did. Among several bones." Castiel looked back down between them and suddenly he felt a warm hand on his cheek. Castiel looked up from under his lashes and Matt had moved closer to him.

"I'm so sorry about everything that has happened to you. I-- I don't know what to do or say here." Matt seemed so lost. Castiel could see in his eyes that he really did care, but there was also that confusion and shock in there.

"I understand. Thank you for your words." Castiel said.

"Do you want me to take you to your motel?" Matt asked and Castiel nodded. He tried not to feel disappointed about this thing between them being over, he had seen it coming. But he really liked Matt, he was different from everyone else he had met. While being on earth Castiel definitely hadn't met too many kind people so it wasn't surprising that he hoped he wouldn't have to let this one go, but he knew he had to.

They drove to the motel in silence and the air in the car felt pressing. When Matt pulled over in front of the motel Cas felt like he had to say something but Matt beat him to it.

"I really like you Castiel. This whole you being an angel thing is a lot to take in and I need some time to think about it. Can you give me that?" Matt asked and Castiel blinked in surprise.

"Uh, of course. Does that mean you might want to see me again?" Castiel asked.

"I'm not sure yet but I think so. You confessing that you are an angel is a lot better than you being a murderer or something, so I got to look on the bright side of this all." Matt said with a small smile on his lips. Cas wished he could kiss those lips again but knew it would be too much to ask right now. Instead he took Matt's hand and kissed his knuckles gently.

"Contact me when you come to a decision, no matter what it is. Please, even if you decide that you never want to see me again please let me know." Castiel asked and Matt nodded.

"I will. I promise."

"Good night Matt." Castiel squeezed his hand gently before letting it go and stepping out of the car. Matt drove away before Cas got into his room.

Cas spent the night and the next day in his room. He only left it to pay for another day before laying back down on the bed to stare at the TV.

It was past eight pm when Castiel's phone vibrated. Matt had texted him, asking if Cas was still at the motel and if he could come over. Castiel quickly answered that he was there and Matt was more than welcome. He gave Matt his room number and Matt promised to be there soon.

Half an hour later there was a knock at the door and Castiel moved quickly to open the door. Matt's brown eyes looked up to him and he tried so hard to smile but he couldn't quite hide his nervousness.

"Matt, please come in." Cas gestured and with a small thank you Matt stepped inside.

"So I thought about this all a lot and I realized that I need to know a lot more about it before I can make my final decision." Matt went right to the point.

"Okay, that sounds reasonable. Please, sit down." Castiel pulled out a chair from the tiny table and Matt sat down on it and Cas took the chair next to him. "Ask anything you want." Castiel said and Matt did just that.

Cas told him about his original mission to pull Dean out of hell. He told him a short version of the apocalypse and the most important moments that had happened since then. He told him about Jimmy and that he was dead and in heaven and that Castiel was the only one in his body. He told him about how he almost killed Dean in the crypt and how Dean almost killed him not so long ago and how they had never talked about it. He told him about the panic attacks he had had lately and when he was done Matt stayed quiet for a long moment.

"So were you and Dean like, together?" Matt finally asked. Cas looked down and picked on his nails.

"No, we weren't. There has always been this... bond between me and him but Dean doesn't-- He isn't-- We are just friends. Or were. I don't really know anymore. All I know is that I can't even be around him right now. He gets mad so easily and when he yells I get reminded of what he did to me." Castiel spoke slowly and quietly.

"About that. It sounds like you have something called PTSD. It stands for posttraumatic stress disorder and considering what you've been through you are doing pretty well. Good thing I'm a well educated psychologist and even though I'm definitely not specified on treating actual angel's mind I am specified on helping people who often suffer from PTSD so maybe I can help you." Matt smiled and reached over to Castiel's lap to take his hand. Castiel looked up to him.

"You want to help me?" He asked surprised.

"Of course I want to help you. After you fixed my back it's the least I can do. And I can't not help someone who obviously needs help. It's a big step towards recovery that you are talking about it already." Matt squeezed his hand gently and Cas smiled.

"Thank you. I- I'm truly grateful. Thank you." Castiel said, not sure what else he could say.

"What do you say if we go out tomorrow, around lunch time? We could go for a walk in a park if you'd like to. I have couple of patients coming over in the morning but after that I'm practically free. Well, not really, I do have some paper work to do but I think future Matt can take care of it." Matt grinned and Castiel felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders.

"I'd love that." He smiled.

"I'll come pick you up from here around noon, is that okay for you?" Matt asked as he stood up.

"That works for me. I'll be here." Castiel nodded. Their hands were still joined and Matt stepped closer. He pressed a gentle kiss on Cas's cheek and pulled away just enough to look Cas in the eyes. He seemed to hesitate for a moment but then he slowly leaned back in and Cas's eyes slipped shut right before their lips met. The kiss was feather light and short but Cas loved it anyway for what it meant.

"See you tomorrow angel." Matt whispered.

"I'm looking forward to it." Castiel answered quietly and Matt finally let go of his hand and soon after he was gone.

Cas laid down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He had never met anyone like Matt. Matt was nice to him, he was understanding and he didn't yell. And Matt actually wanted to help him. He didn't have to, they had only known each other for couple of days but he wanted to help, just because he was a good person.

Castiel really liked Matt.

The next morning Castiel spent almost an hour in the shower. The shower gel provided by the motel didn't have the most pleasant scent to it but the water pressure was great. Castiel cleaned his clothes with a touch of a finger before pulling them on. It was almost noon but he hadn't heard anything from Matt since he left the night before. For a moment Cas wondered if maybe Matt had changed his mind about seeing him but right at that moment Matt texted him telling him that he was almost there. Cas pushed his phone into his pocket and took the key of his room before walking out to the front of the building.

Matt's car stopped right in front of him and Castiel had almost forgotten just how quiet the car was.

"Hey Castiel, did you sleep well?" Matt smiled widely when Cas sat down on his seat and pulled the door closed.

"Angels don't sleep." Castiel said all serious.

"Oh. You do eat though?"

"No, not really. I've just grown to love burgers but most foods taste like molecules to me. I don't need food to survive like humans do." Castiel explained and Matt let out a long 'ooh' accompanied with nods.

"So no dinner dates then, huh?" He asked with a grin and Cas chuckled.

"I can eat with you if you'd like that." Cas offered but Matt shook his head.

"I prefer dates where both participants enjoy the activity."

Cas smiled.

Matt parked close to the biggest park in the city and they stepped out of the car.

"The weather is lovely." Matt commented and Castiel hummed in agreement. It was getting colder and colder every day and the sky was clear. The sun was still doing its best to warm the air but it was still a bit chilly. It wasn't too cold or too hot, just perfectly in the middle.

"There is a reason on why I wanted to take you here today. There is a playground on the other side of the park and the kids can get really loud. You said yesterday that you don't like it when Dean yells and often with PTSD patients other loud sounds can trigger the panic attacks too, so I want us to go there for a moment. One of the most effective ways to kind of distract your panic attacks when it comes to PTSD is to identify the situations and thoughts that make you feel afraid and replace them with less distressing thoughts. So next time when someone is yelling or you hear some other loud noises that would usually upset you, you can think back to the noisy playground. How does that sound?" Matt smiled at him.

"That sounds like it might work." Castiel smiled back at him and Matt took his hand.

They sat down on a bench close to the playground and Matt pointed out little details like a girl playing with a puppy, two little kids making a snowman-like figure of sand and a father and a son duo flying a kite. It was loud but Matt made him feel safe and Cas knew the little details he pointed out would come in handy in the future.

After spending over an hour at the park they walked to a nearby coffee shop to warm up. They both ordered green tea and Matt paid for both of them. They sat at a table in a quiet corner.

"I've been thinking that with you it would be best to start with just you talking about everything that makes you upset and afraid. I can tell by everything you talked about yesterday that we have a lot to work on and it will be easier for me to help you if I know everything. We should also work on ways to calm you down from the panic attacks so that the next time it hits you'll know how to defeat it quickly." Matt spoke with a quiet voice.

"Telling you everything is going to take time, there is a lot to talk about." Castiel shook his head. Matt took his hand over the table.

"Hey, look at me. It's okay. I'm willing to listen and I want to help you. You have suffered enough, it's time to take care of you now." Matt smiled and Cas was hit in the chest with a feeling he couldn't quite name. It was a good feeling though. He had practically never gotten that kind of support from anyone and Matt was so caring that Cas didn't even know what to say. Matt didn't need him for anything, he didn't want anything from him, he just wanted to help and take care of him, to be there for him.

After finishing their tea they walked back to the car hand in hand, joking and laughing all the way there. Castiel felt light in a way he hadn't felt in ages. Being around Matt felt almost like flying again.

They drove to the motel and when Matt stopped in front of it Cas hesitated for few seconds before he turned to look at him.

"Would you like to come inside?" Cas asked and Matt's eyes widened.

"You mean like...?" He asked.

"To talk. I really enjoy your company and if you aren't in a hurry we could spend some more time together now." Castiel said and Matt nodded.

"That sounds nice." He smiled and parked the car.

Five minutes later they were sitting on Cas's bed with Matt leaning against the headboard and Cas sitting between his legs, his back pressed against Matt's chest. Matt had his arms wrapped around Castiel's body and he was playing with Castiel's fingers.

"Do you have wings?" He asked suddenly.

"Yes, but they are in a really bad condition now. They used to be majestic but now there is barely anything left of them besides the bones and few feathers." Castiel sighed sadly.

"What happened to them?"

"They got destroyed when I fell from heaven. And my grace got ripped out and that definitely didn't help either." Cas explained.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Can you like, make them visible for humans?" Matt asked a little shyly.

Cas let out an amused hum. "Not really. I can make them seem like shadows behind me but you can't see my actual wings, only some special people can and we are not going to find out if you are one of them because if you aren't, your eyes are going to burn out off your face." Cas said.

"What! Why?" Matt almost yelled in shock.

"The human eye can't handle an angel's true form. I never wanted to burn anyone's eyes out but it has happened once before. I tried to tell her not to seek for my true form but she didn't listen to me." Castiel said. He flicked at Matt's finger and rubbed it with his.

"It wasn't your fault then. I hope you aren't blaming yourself for it." Matt said and pressed a small kiss on Cas's messy hair.

"I did for some time, but she lived for several years after what happened to her. I know it wasn't my fault, it wasn't anyone's fault."

A knock from the door made them both look up.

"You expecting someone?" Matt asked and Cas shook his head.

"It's probably the cleaning lady." Cas said as he pushed himself up from the bed. The knock came again louder before he got to the door. Cas unlocked the door and opened it, immediately wishing he hadn't.

"Cas, what the hell?"

"Dean..." Cas's voice was wavering and as soon as he had said the name he heard Matt moving behind him and in a blink he was there next to him, a protective arm wrapped around Cas's lower back. Dean looked back and forth between Matt and Cas with ever growing confusion.

"Who the hell is that?" Dean pointed at Matt but looked at Castiel as he voiced his question. Matt pushed his right hand forward.

"I'm Matt, Castiel's friend." Dean looked at his hand like it was made of slime and everything disgusting but finally took it and gave him the shortest handshake of the world.

"Cas why the hell did you leave? Sam and I have been worried about you, you even left your phone back at the-" Dean glanced at Matt, "home."

"How did you find me?" Cas asked, instead of answering his question. Dean was here, Dean was mad and Castiel felt the anxiety growing inside of him again. He wrapped his arm around Matt's middle and pulled him closer to himself for comfort and Matt gave his hip a small squeeze. Dean looked at them again with a mixture of confusion and anger on his face.

"You are using one of our credit cards, those things are easy to follow. When I first saw that you had gone to Sioux Falls I just thought you had gone to see Claire and would come back home soon but dude, you've been gone for weeks. I had to come to see you were okay and to take you back home." Dean said. Castiel was suddenly getting pissed.

"Why? Why did you have to come get me? You never cared if I was okay or not. Do you need me for something, do you need my angelic assistance again? Because I know for sure you don't care about me at all unless you need my help for something. All I've ever done is trying to help you and what did I get for that? You beat me up and almost killed me! I can't even look at you anymore without remembering that, over and over again. And what makes it even worse is that you never even once apologized for it! You didn't even try, you just pushed it off like it didn't matter." Cas was yelling and Dean's eyes were about the size of plates when Cas was done.

"Cas, you know I don't-- Of course it matters, I feel like shit about it. But you know I don't know how to talk about feelings. Please Cas, just come home with me and we can work through this." Dean sounded oddly apologetic and like he was pleading. Cas didn't let himself be fooled by the puppy-dog eyes.

"I don't have a home." Castiel informed coldly.

"What? Of course you do, with me and Sam." Dean argued.

"No Dean, that's your home, I was just a visitor there. I don't belong there." Cas said and held his chin up high.

"Cas, just... Come with me, okay? Please." Dean glanced at Matt again and swallowed. "Cas I-- shit. Can you just come back home with me?"

"I don't think it would be good for Castiel's mental health to be around you right now and I think it would be better if you would leave as soon as possible." Matt suddenly said after watching their interaction silently so far. Dean gaped at him and Cas too was surprised but glad about Matt's stern voice interrupting Dean.

"What the fuc-- Cas who is this guy? And why are you..?" Dean gestured to where they were still holding each other.

"If you must know, we are dating. And he is right, you should just go Dean, I'm not coming with you. If I ever want to see you again I'll contact you somehow." Castiel said.

"If you ever-- What do you mean if you ever want to see me again? Cas please, don't--" Cas had had enough.

"Goodbye Dean." Cas said before he pushed the door closed right on Dean's face.

"Cas? Cas! Open the door! Talk to me! Jesus fucking Christ Cas you can't just leave me like this, you can't just end everything like this! Cas please just open the door!" Dean banged at the door but Cas was already walking away from it and pulling Matt behind him. Soon the banging stopped and Matt went to look out the window.

"Is he gone?" Cas asked quietly from where he was sitting on the edge of the bed.

"He is sitting in his car and he seems to be banging his head against the steering wheel." Matt said as he peeked through the curtains. Cas felt the tears stinging at his eyes but he knew going back to Dean now and giving him yet another chance would most likely destroy him so he gripped the edge of the mattress with both hands and sat tight.

Matt walked up to him and sat down next to him on the bed, pulling Castiel against him. Cas pressed his face into Matt's shoulder and the tears started falling. Matt rubbed his hand up and down Cas's arm.

"You did the right thing. After everything he's done to you you chose the right thing to do." Matt said and Castiel gripped the front of his shirt.

Cas stopped crying after thirty minutes. Matt held him for another half an hour and they kissed a few times but then Matt had to go. Cas walked him to the door and kissed him goodbye before closing the door after him.

Couple of minutes later there was a knock at the door and with a smile Cas went to open it, thinking that Matt had forgotten something. He barely had the door open when Dean was already pushing himself into the room.

"You leave for weeks without saying anything and then I find you from half a country away making out with some guy. What the hell happened to you Cas?" Dean growled and Cas slammed the door shut.

"You! Do you even need to ask me what happened to me when the only answer I can give you is just you? You happened to me, Dean Winchester. You and your huge ego, you and your inability to talk about anything, you and your way of dealing with everything with either violence or alcohol! You!" Cas yelled, a new set of tears trying to get past his lids but Cas didn't allow them to fall down his cheeks. He wouldn't cry in front of Dean.

"You can't blame me for everything that has happened to you! It's not all on me, Cas!" Dean yelled back and Cas rolled his eyes.

"Oh, right, because you never blame anything on me even if it wasn't my fault. Sorry I forgot that!"

"Why couldn't you even leave a note or something that you were leaving? Do you know what it felt like to come back home and you weren't there and when I tried to call you your phone started ringing in the other room?" Dean asked, his voice still loud and angry.

"I don't care how you felt, I don't owe you anything, not after what you did to me!" Cas yelled back. "I can barely look at you anymore without being scared that you'll try to kill me again, and you yelling at me isn't helping at all!"

Dean fell quiet at that. When he spoke again his voice was quiet and gentle.

"Cas, you know it was the Mark. I never wanted to hurt you and I never will again. You don't need to be scared of me, you know that. Please just come home. I miss you." Dean took a step closer but Cas took two steps back and Dean stopped.

"It's not just the physical abuse. Dean, you aren't good to me. I didn't even realize just how badly you were treating me until someone was actually doing exactly the opposite in every situation where you have made me feel bad about myself. When I looked at Matt the other day, instead of calling me creepy he told me he didn't mind and he kissed me. He finds my jokes funny instead of rolling his eyes and making me feel awkward. He knows how to talk about feelings and he listens to me instead of making fun of me." Cas swallowed the lump in his throat and Dean gaped at him.

"Are you comparing him to me?" He asked confused.

"Of course I am, you are the first human I have ever had romantic feelings for, the only one before him. I learned almost everything I know about human behavior from you." Castiel sighed frustrated.

"You-- You have feelings for me?" Dean asked, his voice shaking.

"Had. Have. I don't know." Cas rubbed his face. Why couldn't Dean just go and leave him alone?

"Cas, why didn't you tell me?" Dean asked, his voice thin and quiet.

"What good would that have done? You would have freaked out and thrown me out. There was a time couple of years ago when I thought about telling you but I never got a chance. And now? You don't deserve my love, Dean. You don't deserve anything good I could give you, none of it. You not only broke my heart but you also broke my trust in you." Cas said, his voice calm and cold.

It was one of the very few times when Castiel had seen Dean cry. Dean was just looking at him, trying to keep his face in control as the tears rolled down his cheeks. Dean took a wavering breath.

"I know this comes way too late and it doesn't matter to you anymore but... I- I love you Cas. I still do and I always will. If only I hadn't screwed everything up so bad you could have been the one for me. I think you still are, even if it never happens, if we never happen. I'm truly sorry about everything. I'll go. If you ever want to see me again you know where to find me." Dean whispered and walked past Castiel to the door. He held the door open when he turned to look at Cas for the one last time.

"Goodbye Dean." Castiel said.

"Goodbye Castiel." Dean whispered back and Cas pressed the door closed right after him. As soon as Dean wasn't there to see it the tears started falling and Cas slid down to the floor against the door.

Dean loved him back, but it didn't matter anymore. It didn't change anything at this point. He was still better off as far away from Dean as possible. Maybe in some other universe they could be happily together, but this wasn't that one.

Castiel spent a long time on the floor, his back against the closed door before he managed to get up. He walked to the chair that he had thrown his coat over earlier and searched for his phone. Once he found it he immediately called Matt.

"Hey Castiel, miss me already?" Matt's warm voice asked from the other end of the line.

"He came back." Castiel breathed out shakily. He needed to sit down.

"What? Is he still there? Do you want me to come back?" Matt sounded worried. Cas guessed he was in his car, or maybe walking on a sidewalk somewhere because he thought he heard traffic in the background.

"He left some time ago. Could you-- could you come here?" Castiel asked quietly. Everything was still shaking inside of him and he wasn't sure what would happen to him if he stayed alone.

"Of course. I'll be there in about ten minutes. Do you want me to keep talking to you while I drive?" Matt asked but Cas shook his head.

"No, I'm okay. Just... Please hurry." Castiel whispered to the phone.

"I'll be there as quickly as I can. Try to calm down and concentrate on your breathing." Matt spoke with a calming voice and Cas took a deep breath.

Nine minutes later someone knocked on the door and for a second Castiel was terrified to open the door until he heard Matt's voice coming from the other side.

"Castiel? It's Matt. Please open the door."

Cas rushed to the door and pulled it open. He was in Matt's arms before the other man even managed to take a step forward.

"Hey, lets go inside, okay?" Matt said and took a step forward with Castiel still wrapped around him. Cas let go for long enough for them to move into the room and close the door.

"Do you want to lay down?" Matt asked and Cas nodded. Matt took off his jacket and kicked off his shoes before sitting Cas down on the edge of the bed. He pulled Cas's shoes off and helped him to lie down.

"Can you hold me?" Castiel asked quietly, his voice wavering and weak.

"Of course. Do you want to face me or should I lay behind you?"

"I want to see you." Castiel nodded and Matt laid down next to him so that they were both on their sides facing each other. Castiel moved closer, silently asking Matt to wrap his arm around him and Matt did so.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Matt asked.

"He said he loves me." Castiel said and it came out as a small sob.

"Oh. Does that change anything?" Matt asked, his hand rubbing Castiel's back.

"No. It's too late. If he had told me that couple of years ago it would have changed everything but now... Now it's just too much too late. I can't handle it, it just makes everything worse. All those years I wished to hear those words from him but now that he finally said them out loud I wish he hadn't. It makes everything worse." Castiel was trembling and Matt pulled him even closer against his body.

"I can imagine that. We'll work through this. You are going to be okay, I promise that." Matt said and Cas hugged him a little tighter.

They laid there holding each other for a long time. Castiel cried a lot and Matt spoke in a quiet, calm voice until Cas wasn't trembling anymore. To Castiel it was like a miracle how good Matt made him feel. He took Castiel's problems seriously and was really putting an effort into helping him work through and over them. Cas couldn't remember the last time he had felt so cared for.

Even though Castiel had just been crying Matt still managed to make him laugh. He made Castiel feel lighter and happier in a short amount of time. He told Cas about some embarrassing moments that had happened to him during college and he played with Castiel's hair and gently kissed the smile lines on his cheeks and in the corners of his eyes.

It was late when Matt said he had to go. He still had some paper work to do that he had ignored earlier that day and he needed to be at his practice early the next morning. They kissed slowly for a long time before Cas finally let Matt go, and Matt told him that Cas could call him whenever he needed him.

Cas missed sleeping, mostly because these days he'd love to be unconscious for four to eight hours every night so he wouldn't have to stay up and listen to his thoughts. But because sleep wasn't an option he went with the second best option; TV.

The next morning Matt texted him early to ask how he was doing and Cas told him truthfully that he was okay. Because he was. He had cried more than enough the day before and now he was feeling as good as one could in his situation. He put on his coat and pulled on his shoes and went out for a walk. He still wanted to see more of the city.

He walked downtown to where all the shops and people were and spent some time just looking at it all. It was amazing to him how similar but still oddly different every city looked. Cas walked past the coffee shops and book stores until he stopped in front of one big window. What stopped him was the reflection of himself on the glass. He turned fully towards the window and looked at himself. He was still wearing Jimmy's old clothes, the slightly too big suit and the tan trench coat. He had changed everything else about his life on earth expect for his outfit.

He found the closest clothing store and spent over two hours there. When he left he was wearing a denim button-up shirt with a striped sweater on top of it. He had on a new black leather jacket and dark grey jeans. He had a pile of new clothes in a shopping bag and in his other hand he carried a bag with his old clothes. He pushed that bag into the closest trashcan he found.

Matt called during his lunch hour and asked if Cas would like to go out for coffee with him. They agreed to meet in the same coffee place where they met for the very first time because it was close to Matt's workplace.

Matt was already sitting at a table and munching on his sandwich when Castiel walked in. Matt almost chocked on his lunch when he saw Cas and he had to bang his palm against his chest a couple of times. Castiel rushed to him.

"Are you okay?" Castiel asked, gripping Matt's shoulder.

"Yeah--" Matt took a sip of his water and cleared his throat loudly. "Uh, yeah. Holy shit. Did you go shopping?" Matt asked, eyes wide and a little watery from the coughing.

"Yes, I wanted a new outfit. I bought several actually." Castiel nodded. Matt looked him up and down couple of times.

"You look freaking hot. I mean you were hot before too but now... Damn." Matt chuckled and licked his lips nervously. Castiel blushed.

"I'll go get myself some coffee. I'll be right back." Castiel put his bags on the chair next to Matt and walked to the counter. When he looked back he caught Matt staring at his ass. It made Castiel blush even harder.

They talked about easy subjects and all through their lunch date Matt couldn't get his eyes off of Cas. It made Cas a little flustered but he liked it.

"You know, when we first met here there was actually one empty table on the other side of the room, some girls just left when I got my coffee. But I saw you sitting here alone and looking out of the window and you looked so cute that I had to come talk to you." Matt admitted suddenly.

"Oh. Well I'm glad you did." Cas smiled and took Matt's hand over the table.

"Me too." Matt smiled back to him and for a moment they just stared at each other with small smiles on their lips and their hands squeezing each other's.

When they left the coffee shop Matt kissed him again on the street. This time the kiss was a bit needier and deeper than any kiss they had shared before and when they pulled away Matt was breathing a little harder. He glanced down on Cas's body again and bit his lower lip when he looked back up into Cas's eyes.

"You make me want to skip work." He grinned and tightened his grip on Cas's hip.

"Your patients need you." Castiel reminded him. Matt sighed deeply and let his head hang low.

"I know, I know. I just don't wanna let you go." Matt said and swayed even closer.

"We can see each other again later today if you want to." Castiel said.

"I do want to but I don't know if I have time tonight. I have a meeting in the evening and it might get late before I get out of there. Maybe we could see each other tomorrow and work on ways to get over panic attacks, how does that sound?" Matt asked and Castiel nodded.

"That sounds good. Will you come to my motel?"

"Yes, after I get off from work around five pm. I'll call you to let you know when I'm on my way."

"Okay, that sounds good." Castiel nodded. Matt leaned in for another kiss, a gentler one this time.

"See you tomorrow, Cas."

"See you, Matt."

Cas spent the rest of the afternoon in a pet store watching the bunnies and guinea pigs. He noticed that one of the bunnies had a mild case of stomach infection and when no one was looking Cas poked his finger through the cages and pressed it against the animal's forehead. The bunny jumped in surprise when Cas's grace swept through it's body. Cas smiled gently to the animal.

"You are welcome." Cas whispered to the bunny, leaning closer to the cage.

The next day Matt came over around four pm. He called beforehand to let Cas know that he was already on his way there and Cas appreciated it greatly. For an hour Matt taught him different kinds of breathing techniques that would help him calm down when he was feeling upset.

Later they just laid together on the bed, kissing slowly for ages. Cas's fingers were curled into Matt's hair and Matt's hand was under Cas's shirt, and every now and then Matt would kiss Cas's neck in a way that made shivers run through his body but it didn't lead into anything more. Cas liked it a lot.

A week went by quickly. Cas spent the days walking around the city, going to different direction every day. By Matt's lunchtime they'd meet at the same coffee shop everyday and most days after work Matt came to visit him at his motel and they talked for hours, did exercises that would help Cas cope through hard times and they spent a lot of time kissing.

Cas really liked the city and he liked Matt even more. For the first time in a long time he felt like he belonged somewhere. Cas decided to get a job, not because he really needed one but because he wanted something to fill his days with and he figured that it would help him blend in with the humans. And maybe he wanted to have more money so he could take Matt out on nice dates and buy more nice clothes for himself. There was nothing wrong with that.

Matt thought Cas getting a job was great, he was very supportive of it and helped him with the job hunt. Cas got a job from a local animal day care and at first his job was mostly just cleaning after the animals and walking the dogs but as time went by he was allowed to spend more time with the animals. And if Cas did a little extra by healing all the slightly sick animals that came there, well, he was sure no one would complain if they knew.

Cas's recovery was going great. Every now and then it took a couple of steps back but with Matt's help he was able to work through them and move on. Matt said that people suffering from PTSD usually never heal completely but they learn to manage with it and to be able to go on with their life.

With the money Cas was making now that he had a job he rented a small apartment for himself just to have a place to call home. He made new friends at work and life felt easy. He spent a lot of his free time with Matt and these days their time together was more about watching movies, joking around and kissing than doing breathing exercises or anything like that. Cas was doing well.

One snowy day they were laying together on Matt's couch, watching How I Met Your Mother. They had both seen the episode before but they didn't care. Cas's tea was getting cold on the small coffee table in front of them but he was too comfortable in Matt's arms to reach out for the cup.

"Matt." Cas turned his head to look at the man laying behind him. Cas loved to be the little spoon, it made him feel safe and warm even though he knew he didn't need anyone to save him from any kinds of physical threats but the feeling of being protected was still nice.

"Hmm?" Matt asked, keeping his eyes on the TV. Cas leaned up to press a kiss on Matt's jaw.

"I love you." He whispered and Matt turned to look at him with wide eyes. Quickly a warm smile spread on his lips.

"I love you too Castiel."

Cas wrapped a hand on the back of Matt's neck and pulled him down into a kiss.

Life was pretty amazing for him.

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to answer some question that people might have after reading this.
> 
> "Don't you ship Destiel anymore?"  
> \- Yes I do, absolutely. I will go down with this ship and all that. But if I'm being completely honest, in the current canon world of SPN Dean doesn't deserve Castiel, and Castiel deserves something much much better than Dean. But still, while I was writing that scene where Dean comes around I wanted so bad to turn this into a Destiel story after all and give them a happy ending.
> 
> "Do you hate Dean?"  
> \- No! I love Dean, he is amazing and he is my sweet little child. What I do hate is the way some writers write him when he is interacting with Castiel. It might be because they are trying to rub the 'NO HOMO' on our faces and destroy our ship, but no matter the reason I hate it.
> 
> "Why would you do this to me!!"  
> \- Because I love pain. Sorry not sorry ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ For reals I started writing this just to make myself feel better but then several people said they'd love to read this so this is for all of you guys, I hope you like it.
> 
> "So do you ship Mattstiel now?"  
> \- Yes. I have created a thing that will probably destroy me one of these days. Seriously.


End file.
